dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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