Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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