Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
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