Some guy with no shirt on and his pants undone informed us he was kicked out of the cab
I asked him why, and he had absolutely no idea.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
Shes definitely an expert at this. Her happy hour goes from 4 to 11, then she starts drinking heavy. She also allots 15 minutes each hour for a pee/bj break
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
He sent me a 2am email the just said "Ping". Nerdiest booty call ever.
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
Not my fault people bought me shots. waving a shot in my face is like waving a cock in yours
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
