he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
