I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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