So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
She has the best kind of daddy issues
Drunk is not a location!
Randomize
