dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
You lit a fire in my vagina no man can extinguish.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
I mean of all the things to be cockblocked by, Taco Bell is pretty high on the list
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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