One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
Sorry I tried to blow your roommate in your room. I felt more at home there.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
