you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
the fire alarm went off. we werent sure whether to leave or turn the music up louder
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I found my bra I wore on Friday night...he fucked the underwire out of it
hahahahaha
Randomize
