Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
should my penis look like a turkey
We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.
Mattress luging...It's a long story.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
New rule for Thursdays: no high gymnastics
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
