Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
You said something about how beautiful my pockets were, then walked away.
Yes talking about pockets is classic me.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
I give all credit to my lucky thong, there's never a time I haven't gotten laid while wearing it
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
And then he peed in my hair
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