help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?
2.5
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Randomize
