Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
cat food counts as protein by the way
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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