the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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