i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
After we finished he asked if I knew if it was a boy or girl. Diet. Starts. Now.
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Did you pee in the oven last night??
Randomize
