I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.
Was who let the dogs out playing?
Ya. You started barking when it ended
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
