I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
Randomize
