She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
WAIT U DIDN'T FEED THE SQUIRREL?
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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