I want to kish your cheek
My cheeks are in Michigan
Oh my lips are kind of stretchy
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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