Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Moments after comforting her about her boyfriend issues I found myself in the other room showing him my tits.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
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