Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Can we progress our friendship to a point where i'm at least granted a blowjob allowance?
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I could just tape a camera with a live feed to my head & you could check in on me from time to time
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Randomize
