Turns out "bordello" doesn't mean what I thought it did.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
Randomize
