What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
Beer bong just needs to be rebedazzled but it's gonna make it
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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