if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Kid got laid mid-party wearin a fuzzy hat with ears and 40's taped to his bear paws... wtf
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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