He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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