theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
went to library to start paper due tomorrow & took those orange addys u gave. now realizing they were ur xanax. completely fucked and going to fail, but calmly at peace with the situation.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
It's just not St. Patrick's Day until someone pukes on your panties.
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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