This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Have $25 to my name but it's $2 pitchers. I have no choice but to go.
Sometimes one must go to great lengths and make great sacrifices to get drunk. I willingly accept the challenge.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Can you please explain to me why there are 7 bags of tacos in my bed?
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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