you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
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