I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
Ya well my good-girl image was pretty much blown when he found out I'm going to jail soon.
He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.
I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
