Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
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