sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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