I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
we've dated a week and made out twice. he is taking it slow. but his body is stupid sexy. just want him to stop respecting me and fuck me like a gutter slut. respect me later im not getting younger.
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