when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
Did you shave a certain someone in his sleep last night?
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
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