I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.
trying to line up a DD for St Pats Day. i guarantee i will put out. or puke and pass out. really its 50/50 at this point.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
How do I discreetly dispose of sex toy packaging that is recyclable? What to do...what to do?
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
But Keith is doing MDMA for New Years and he's 39.
Keith has a beautiful 20 year old girlfriend, a good job and a cute puppy. We can't all be Keith.
But I want to be Keith.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
You can only use the "she handcuffed me naked to your bed, i couldn't do anything, sorry bro" excuse once.
You have a tempurpedic. you only have you to blame.
Randomize
