you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
i dont know whats weirder. that i told him he stabbed me in my dream or that he told me i wasnt the first girl to tell him theyve been killed by him in a dream
He snapchatted me his dick and he's circumcised....BRB going to hug his Mom
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
We didn't get home until 4 am. Her mom let us in, confessed that she had sex with someone she worked with and said he had a small penis. I love this family.
Oh my fucking god!! There is a barefoot white guy with a fucking ninja sword in the middle of the street next to the pride gas station swinging his sword at peoples cars!! He almost got me. 3 people swerved off the road and stopped. I told a cop.
Randomize
