I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
Your mouth is God's brothel.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
Basic items
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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