You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Randomize
