I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?
nope.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Note to self. The tub labelled "not water" does not contain water.
I was so drunk last night I couldn't see faces, only from the shoulders down.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
