theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.
I intend to get homeless drunk
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I am an advanced cybernetic robot sent back in time to 2013 to fuck my wife senseless for hours on end. Have you seen this wife?
Eddy, if you don't want to roll play then say so. This is just obnoxious
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
Drunk sex on a hardwood floor is never ever a good idea. Lesson learned.
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