I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
exhale infront of a fan. self shotgun.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
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