Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
I gave him a blowie and after he said he wanted to send a giftbasket to the girl we met through.
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
He used one of his curtains as a leash and hand restraints. He wins the creative sex challenge hands down.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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