So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
Lol woke up with mangoes in bed with me
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
