he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm doing it for my vagina. You should understand that
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Please can we have sex in this office for old times sake
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
Randomize
