I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I would ride that face into the sunset
Randomize
