Sometimes I find that I've been touching my boob(s) without even realizing it.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
I pour the whiskey from now on
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
Randomize
