So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
Someone came in the potted fern
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
just passed my midterm while getting a blow job. i love going to school online
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
Randomize
