We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
so far I've only met her once and hung out one other time. Up to 5 BJs already. That's serious efficiency.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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