There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Randomize
