I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
not ubering you a puppy
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
Randomize
