you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
all i know is that they all tuched my pee cup last night.
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
No he didn't understand the sequence...then I started texting him these texts with vagina strategically spelt correctly in jumbles of letters.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Wish me luck. My vagina needs it.
May his noodley appendage touch you.
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just bought a handle of tequila and a breakfast burrito. I might be out of money for the weekend, but at least I have the necessities covered.
Randomize
