question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
He had a beer bottle in each of his back pockets and was on rollerblades. All I remember is following him for about 10 minutes
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
my still drunk mind thought "hey this is a really good time to stand in the middle of the street barely clothed in 20 degree weather at 4 am talking about the blow job i gave him soph year of high school"
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
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