somebody snuck up and got me drunk
I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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